#okay i legit had to stop myself bc i kept thinking of more and i gotta stop somewhere

[doueverwonder]

A v unprofessional rating of every* book on my shelf bc i'm bored

*every book i've read bc I still haven't gotten to some of them, also skipping the Rick Riordan books bc i'm sure y'all have heard plenty about them, and also not any of the history/government/theology books.

A Spartans Sorrow by Hannah Lynn - 3/5, it was a book, I loved it but the end just completely lost my attention. Like yeah ik that's how the greek myth goes but tbh should've stopped 3 chapters ago.

Circe by Madeline Miller - 5/5 ik y'all keep talking about song of achilles but holy shit Circe

Lore by Alexandra Bracken - 0/5 I legit got 2 chapters in and gave up. I'm so sorry. cannot believe i spent $13 on this thing.

Loki; Where Mischief Lies by Mackenzi Lee - 4/5, I read this once when I was 13 and enjoyed it a lot but i'm not sure if I would now. sticking Loki in Victorian England was honestly a 10/10 choice aesthetic wise.

Children of Ragnorok by Cinda Williams Chima - 5/5 a lot of ppl didn't like it apparently I think it's absolutely amazing and love it and you all should read it but that could be the hyperfixtation talking

The Goddess of Nothing At All by Cat Rector - 10000000000/5 ac hbdcksjlzmpx[ac ovcjnmxjklo nvsoiu jkoxicn hdikxcv hubisjkvixd9jcg hujkcu cvbmdskjxcjv gchxskc vcxdc nc gh ybgf7duhibjfdijdg yvwebdjvgy f7fhfjbknionbh fbdjff hfdfubhxukcjhukzixc bhnnxjk. READ IT RIGHT NOW I SWEAR GO READ NOW

The Librarian of Auschwitz by Antonio Iturbe - 4.5/5 Good book, very heavy and bc of that took me a bit to get through.

The Nightingale by Kristen Hannah - 6/5 I spilt tea on this book twice and both times kept reading before it had even dried all the way

Cloud Cuckoo Land by Anthony Doerr - 4.5/5 I see his other book All The Light We Cannot See talked about a lot more but legit this one is so much better. People from the far past to the distant future and they're all learning about the same thing?? amazing idea???

I Must Betray You by Ruta Sepetys - 5/5 I read Between Shades of Gray and Salt to the Sea and preordered this one immediately afterwords. I was saving it to be a 'summer book' but read it in like 2 days the moment in came in instead.

The Good Earth by Pearl S. Buck - the school book we had to read that I liked enough I bought a copy. Sucker for "here's a guy living his regular life." books.

The Book Thief by Markus Zusak - 5/5 i swear to everything if you do not like crying over books do not read this. I don't cry over books and I cried so hard over this one my sister asked me if I was okay the next morning bc I woke her up accidentally.

The Dictionary of Lost Words by Pip Williams - 5/5 I think about this book regularly, still a sucker for 'here's a person living their life' book.

American Royals by Kathrine McGee - 3/5 too much romance, not enough politics from a made up world that doesn't effect me.

Red, White, & Royal Blue by Casey McQuiston - 4/5 we love politics from a world that doesn't effect me, lost a point on the ending but i'm bad at those too so such is life ig.

Her Royal Highness by Rachel Hawkins - 3.5/5 it was a lovely read for a day i had nothing else to do on. don't think I would read it again tho.

The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo by Taylor Jenkins Reid - 5/5 LOVE goodness I was not expecting who the love of her life would be, not to mention I adore anything with platonic soulmates.

They Both Die At The End by Adam Silvera - 4/5 i uh, i convinced myself they weren't gonna die at the end.

Dear Evan Hansen by Val Emmich - 4/5 the book??? is so much sadder than the musical oh my gosh????? was mad to find they cut out half the important stuff about Conner in the musical.

The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue by V.E Schwab - 3/5 one of those times i listened to booktok, was very disapointed.

The October List by Jeffery Deaver - 5/5 a hughdscalc gchkcjs;ln jcxsumj km ITS WRITTEN BACKWARDS AND THE SUSPENSE IS INSANE YOU KNOW EVERYTHING AND NOTHING AT ALL

One of Us is Lying by Karen M. McManus - 3/5 Decent, but not good enough that after I set it down I picked it back up. I had like 20 pages until the end, still don't know who the killer was.

The Trumpet of the Swan by E.B White - 10/5 back when I was a small child and didn't have money or transportation the library and had a limited of selection of books this is what I read. I have it memorized and also somehow thought the title was 'the trumpeter swan' until literally yesterday.

The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas - 5/5 someone take away this french mans pen.

[thebestorworstofit]

:// disney really tried to keep me 3 different times tonight

• first I get stuck on a ride to literally no one ever gets stuck on - like how are you going to keep people stuck 10 feet before a stop just bc yallllll forgot to water up the train that literally runs off STEAM.

• then the cast member assigning people rows on runaway was supercalfragalosticly ignorant and kept trying to put me with bigger groups (like yes it seats 5, but there’s no reason to squeeze that many in / it’s usually grouped in no more than 4) and when i tried to explain that i’m autistic and get uncomfortable that confined and asked to sit with a smaller party she legit looked me in the eyes and said “it’s okay you can do it i believe in you” when i’ve NEVER had a CM have any problem with helping me out when i’m by myself or with a friend (i’m very nice it’s not like i’m demanding or loud about it) and because she made me so uncomfortable and unsettled, it like ruined the experience for me, so i asked another cast member to help me exit - he showed me where to go AND YET I LITERALLY GOT LOST TRYING TO FIND MY WAY OUT OF A CARTOON HALLWAY. ended up in a place not for me and had to wait like 15 minutes for someone to walk me out while i’m already visibly upset (shout out to paul who walked me out and over to roger rabbit where he sent me to the front of the line to make up for the experience i had / bc obviously i told him everything like a freaking baby)

• AND THEN I go to leave. I’ve done my shopping. I have my coffee. I have my treats. I did my thing I am a happy camper again. So I get this wild idea to throw away any trash in my car before i leave - but to my surprise when I got to my car my keys weren’t in my disney bag… my keys were not anywhere on my person. So naturally, I had a full-blown freaking meltdown, because by that point, the park was closed.  which made going back through security, onto the tram and back to the front of the park super fun.  and then because I couldn’t go back into the park. I got to explain my whole situation to a security guard i can’t remember the name of, and like god bless that man he had no idea what to do with me but thankfully, I am very loud and one of the leads by the gate. Heard me freaking out, pulled me aside and had me list the stores and places i went into where I remember having my keys and she walkied every single one of those places, after about 10 minutes, we get worried that someone found my keys, but they had just sent someone with them to lost and found which led to an absolute angel named Melissa tracking this person down, getting my keys and bringing them up to the front of the park while poor sweet sharon just listened to me like cry for almost an hour while we waited for a resolution.

I definitely wouldn’t say it was a bad disney evening but man it was a time…

now, you would think with all of that one of those might be my low points for the evening, but no… I am shocked to say the worst part of my evening was when a large woman who was arguing with her husband and her children came and sat on me. Technically next to me, but next to me by not enough because her silent it on the outside of my thigh, and her arm was touching me. When I looked at her and I said oh, excuse me - yaknow the universal signal for hey I’m fucking existing here you cow please get out of my personal space. I may not need 3 feet anymore but 3 inches wouldn’t fucking hurt…. She just looked at me and turned back to her conversation.

As someone who is only vertically 5 feet and a lil change, I am used to being bumped into, passed over, and stepped on, it happens. It’s okay… what’s not okay is that this is the second time in a month that someone has sat on me. I do not understand this selectively invisible super power, and I will tell you right now I do not like it.

It took almost 3 extra hours to get home with all of these banana pants obstacles and now it’s 4 am - and ofc i am wide awake when i have work 2-10 and a cannaevent from 4-11.

if anyone’s down to come punch me in the face just to knock me out, lemme know - i’ll drop a pin. 

[lastoneout]

I think it's bcs people get like, really weird about girls named Alex these days? I guess there just aren't a lot of us anymore?? And I've had people legit refuse to believe that my name is Alex. My PE teacher in middle school called me Alexis for three straight years and ignored me every single time I corrected him. I nearly got in a physical fight with a guest back when I worked bcs he saw my name tag and kept being like "are you sure your name is Alex? you sure it's not Alexis?" with this smug ass smirk. People will see my name and express disbelief that I go by Alex, convinced my name is something else. At this point if someone called me Alexis or Lexie I would actually have to stop myself from murdering them.

And like, I will probably not examine how all of the names I'm okay with being called are gender-neutral ones lmaoooo but like even then I am also okay with being called my full name and it's Incredibly Feminine, and I do not like the masculine versions of my full name, so maybe I just don't like being called a name that isn't the one I go by.

Anyway, there should be more girls named Alex we are dying out @ people having kids do your part, name you daughter Alex.

It's really funny bcs I am down with nicknames as long as they aren't variations on my name. Loo/Lou? More than fine. My friend called me Red for a while cuz I dyed my hair red, fine. "The girl in the pokemon hat"? I will answer to that. But god if you call me Lexie or Alexis or Ally I will leap at you like a rabid animal and kill you with my bare fucking hands.

[hanniba1]

things from hannibal that live rent free in my brain:

the scene with will sitting alone in hanni’s kitchen

the single tear that hannibal shed when he was leaning over will

mads choosing to carry hugh bridal style despite the script

price talking about bee ejaculate

the look of pure adoration on hannibal’s face after will bites a chunk out of cordell’s cheek

“i already did”

hannibal: [stabs man in the temple] “...... that may have been impuslive”

that will sailed across the fucking atlantic when he could have just flew but SaiLiNG iS mOrE DraMAtiC

jack beating the shit out of hannibal

when will begs “please don’t lie to me”, literally breaks my fucking Heart

“you called us murder husbands” “you did run off to europe together”

the eroticism in the way will eats the ortolan

The Hand Binding Scene

the way hannibal playfully replies “in the pantry” GIVES ME FUCKING CHILLS

will admitting to jack that he wanted to run away with hannibal and jack being 👁👄👁

“the intimacy is striking”

will sipping wine while hannibal bleeds out

chilton’s face when he picks up that little bird leg thing at hannibal’s dinner party

francis fucking YEETING will into the elevator wall

alana and will’s jealous banter while hannibal just sits there like 😐

bedelia summing will up in five words: “righteous, reckless, twichy little man”

that hannibal helped alana and margot milk mason with a cattle prod

will: “with my hands” hannibal: 😳🥵🤤🥴

basically the entirety of mizumono and the wrath of the lamb are imprinted on my brain

i could go on for years until i end up listing basically every shot of the show and this is already too long

[petersasteria]

good 4 u || harry holland

sour masterlist || harry || sour taglist

1,589 words sorry for the shit ending ?? bc i didnt know how to end it lmao italics are flashbacks

* * * *

“Babe, you didn’t have to spoil me.” You chuckled.

“You deserve it, love. You deserve the world.” Harry looked at you lovingly before pressing a sweet kiss on your lips.

-

“I really want to be a professional photographer and filmmaker, you know?” Harry told you one day. Both of you were lying wide awake in bed, staring at the ceiling. Both of you couldn’t sleep, so you talked about random things.

“I believe in you, Harry. I believe in you more than anyone or anything. You can do just that. I support you.” You smiled as you turned your head to face him. He looked at you and grinned, “So, you think I’m really going to be those things?”

“Yeah. Why not? You’re an amazing photographer and filmmaker. Believe in yourself, Harry. My faith in you will be nothing if you don’t believe in yourself. Trust me.” You told him.

“That’s true. You’re right.” Harry said before yawning.

“I’m always right.” You curled up against him and rested your head on his chest. He chuckled and kissed the top of your head.

-

“Harry, where are you? I’ve been waiting out here for an hour now.” You said through the phone. Harry said he’d pick you up from your university, but he wasn’t there yet. Then it began to rain heavily, causing you to run to the nearest shade. You were cold, wet, and impatient.

“I’ll be there in a while. See you later!” Harry hung up.

After thirty minutes, Harry finally arrived. You quickly got in and sighed in relief when you realized the whole car was warm.

“What took you so long?” You asked him.

“My car’s acting up. I hate this old piece of shit.” Harry grumbled as he tried to start the car. After five tries, it finally worked.

“You need a new car.” You laughed.

“Yeah, I do.” He chuckled.

-

“I hope I’m not interrupting your sleepover or whatever.” Harry said quietly through the phone. You were at your friend, Elouise’s slumber party because it was her birthday.

“No, you’re not. We’re just watching a movie and I’ve seen this movie a bunch of times.” You assured him. You walked out of the living room and went to the kitchen. You sat on the bar stool and asked, “What’s up?”

“Mum and dad are just being mean, that’s all.” Harry sighed.

“I know you’re about to cry, so just let it out. Talk to me.” You said softly. Harry started sobbing and telling you about his fight with his parents.

“Y/N/N, I got offered an apprenticeship in Dublin. That’s the biggest opportunity I’ve ever received and they’re stopping me. It’s like they don’t want me to succeed, but when Tom wants something done, they let him. It’s so fucking tiring. I never asked them for anything and the one time I do, they say shit. It’s unfair.” He sobbed and your heart broke for him.

“I feel you. I legit feel the same way, but we just have to prove them wrong, yeah? You’ll make it big and what they say won’t matter as much anymore. They love you and they just want what’s best for you, but sometimes they don’t exactly know what’s best for you. It’s weird, I swear. Just prove them wrong. You’ll get another opportunity again and when you get that, it’ll be bigger than that apprenticeship in Dublin.” You told him with a small smile on your face.

“You get me so well.” Harry smiled as he wiped his tears. “I’ll just go to sleep now. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

-

You couldn’t take it anymore. Harry’s face seemed to be everywhere you went, haunting you. After being together for two and a half years, Harry broke up with you because of reasons only he seemed to know. After he broke up with you, you spent the whole week just crying. You didn’t understand, but life was really cruel.

Three weeks later, word got out that Harry was dating some model and that surprised you. It surprised you because he moved on really quick and he looked really happy and healthy. He looked better compared to when he was dating you. You were proud of him, but it made you wonder why Harry chose to make himself better for this girl and not for you when you were together. It seemed unfair.

Unfortunately, you were still friends with Sam. You were Sam’s favorite and he actually preferred you instead of Harry’s new girlfriend. Wanting to hang out with you, You and Sam met up at the mall and just shop or walk around. You couldn’t really hang out at Sam’s house because of Harry and his girlfriend.

“She’s nice, but I’m on your side.” Sam said as he ate his ice cream. You laughed and shook your head. Sam looked at you and said, “I’m serious! She’s trying to make me her best friend or something. Like, she’s trying really hard.”

“Then try to be her friend. Maybe you guys might click and then you’ll replace me like how Harry replaced me.” You said. You were aware it was petty and pathetic, but you couldn’t help it. This time, it was Sam who laughed.

“You know, I overheard him the other day. He told her that she’s the only person who gets him and I’m just sitting there all confused because he said the same thing to you. In fact, it’s like he forgot all about you.” Sam said as he animatedly spoke with his hands. He seemed really annoyed.

“Okay, then.” You chuckled. “You seem annoyed.”

“Yeah because I thought both of you were it for each other.” He said with a sad smile. You returned it, but didn’t say anything.

At the end of the day, it was time for both of you to go home. Sam groaned in frustration as he texted while walking. “What?” You asked, turning your head to look at him.

Both of you stopped walking when you reached the mall’s exit. Sam was typing furiously as you looked at him in confusion. “What’s wrong?” You asked.

He looked at you and sighed, “Tom can’t pick me up.”

“I thought you drove here?” You asked and he shook his head. “What happened to your car?”

“My parents borrowed it because their car is in the shop, getting fixed. Tom can’t pick me up because he has to use his car to go to an event that he forgot about. I’d call for an Uber or something, but I literally have zero money on me. So, I have no choice but to ask Harry.” Sam said, biting his lip.

“Well, shit.” Was all you said as Sam looked at you with guilt all over his face. He quickly sent a text to Harry and he smiled a bit when he immediately got a reply.

“He’s coming soon.” Sam told you. You snorted. You vividly remember Harry’s slow and beat up car. Sam was talking to you, but you weren’t really paying attention. Your mind went to all those times you spent in Harry’s old car and all the places you’ve been. Those were moments you’ll never forget.

“Y/N, my ride’s here.”

You were pulled from your thoughts as soon as Harry said that. You looked at the direction that Sam was looking at and you were surprised to see a beautiful, new car. It was charcoal grey and the windows were so clean, you could see the inside. Harry was driving and his new girlfriend was sitting on the passenger seat.

“Oh shit. I didn’t know she was coming.” Sam turned to you. “I’m so sorry, Y/N/N. If I had known he was taking her, I wouldn’t-”

“It’s okay. I’m mature and civil. I can handle it. Besides, I can’t avoid them forever. It was bound to happen.” You gave him a small smile.

Harry stopped in front of you both and he rolled his window down. His sunglasses were resting on top of his head and he looked really fresh.

“Are you getting in or not?” He asked Sam, completely ignoring you.

“Hello to you too.” Sam rolled his eyes and crossed his arms as he took a few steps to the door of his backseat. “Y/N, do you need a ride?”

You shook your head, “No, thanks. I’ll call an Uber.” You turned to face Harry, who was already looking at you. “Your photography is improving.” You said.

“Thanks.”

“Nice car, too. I’m glad you replaced the busted ol’ thing.” You chuckled awkwardly.

“Yeah, I figured I should buy myself a new car. The old one wasn’t doing it for me. I need to upgrade, y’know?”

You held back a snappy reply because it wouldn’t do you any good. Plus, you didn’t want to draw attention to yourself. You wanted to ask him if he broke up with you because he needed a girlfriend upgrade, but you kept it to yourself.

“Yeah, that’s nice. Good for you, though… and congrats, I guess.” You gave him a tight-lipped smile and he returned it. Sam got in the car and rolled his window down. “I’ll text you, okay?” Sam said and you just nodded. Harry drove away and you stood there, watching.

You wished you could not care like Harry and you wished you could move on just as quick, but you couldn’t. No matter how hard you tried, you were still stuck on him. It sucked.

* * * *

𝐒𝐎𝐔𝐑 𝐓𝐀𝐆𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐓: @celestialholland @alinastarkrovs @piscesparker @prancerrparkerr @spideyspeaches @givebuckyhisplumsnow @blueleatherbag @theonly1outof-a-billion @hollandbroz-n-haz @starlight-starks @webmeupspiderdaddy @studiesinspanish

[mammon-chan]

Deja Vu (Mammon x F!MC)

TW: blood, death, violent thoughts

A scream echoed through the House of Lamentation. It was a common sound – sometimes Asmodeus would screech about someone stealing his hair products, or Leviathan would yell about missing out on a limited-edition figurine. However, this time, the scream was unfamiliar – higher pitched than the rest of the brothers’ and was silenced quickly.

Mammon, who had walked along the corridor to try and spy on your conversation of Lucifer, raced towards the source. You were lying there, on the ground, battered and bloodied. His own brother, who was supposed to be on exchange in the human world, laughed hysterically as he was pulled back by Lucifer and Beelzebub.

Mammon didn’t understand anything people were saying – there was a roaring in his ears he couldn’t silence. He knelt beside you. Carefully, Mammon pulled your semi-conscious body into his arms. “Elena! Hang in there! Elena!”

“Mammon, you look like such a fool!” Belphegor sneered. “A human’s about to kick the bucket, and yet here you are, panicking as if it’s the end of the world!” He could barely finish his sentence due to his laughter, a crazed look in his eyes that Mammon didn’t recognise.

Your eyes fluttered, shifting to meet his. Your face was tense as you tried to fake a smile, your voice quiet within the din as you spoke, “at least I kept that promise, huh?” His mind went blank as he tried to decipher what you mean.

 He was sitting on your bed. His hands shook as he wrapped bandages around your arm, the shock of you nearly dying at Leviathan’s hand, whilst he’d tripped, unable to stop anything from happening was still evident. Lucifer had stepped in at the last minute, saving you from harm’s way. Leave it to Lucifer to clean up Mammon’s messes, he had thought bitterly.

“…Listen. The next time your life’s in danger, I’m gonna be the one to save you, all right? Don’t you forget that.” He paused, swallowing as his hands slid away from yours. Seeming to hesitate before he continued, “…And if I can’t manage to save ya, then make sure you die, got it?!”

A short silence, and you nodded, giving him a small smile. “All right.” You answered. “I promise.” With your uninjured hand, you locked pinkies with him

Mammon shook his head. “No. No, you’re not gonna die, ya hear me? Don’t you dare die!” He yelled. Tears blurred his vision as they fell down his cheeks. His glasses were getting smeared and he could barely see. He didn’t care.  

Raising a hand up to cup his face, your thumb grazed against his cheek. Your lips moved to form words he would never hear. He felt your hand drop and your eyes fluttered shut.

He doesn’t know how long he held you for. Curses spewed from his mouth as he screamed and cried. At some point he was pulled away from your body by Lucifer who had an odd look of concern on his face. He had tried to calm Mammon down. It doesn’t work. Mammon broke free from Lucifer’s grasp and bolted out of the house as fast as he could. Never stopping, never looking back.

When he finally arrived at the Demon Lord’s Castle, Barbatos was there, waiting for him. With the same polite smile as ever, he greeted Mammon. “So, you still haven’t managed it?” It feels like he’s being mocked. He ignored the comment and passed Barbatos.

“One more time. I’ll save her this time.” He swore on it.

--------

He awoke with a start. It all felt like a bad dream that would never end.

After getting changed into his uniform, he barged into your room as always, to find you, sat at your vanity mirror, seeming to have spaced out. It was normal to find you staring into space – he almost laughed with how regular the sight he saw was. You snapped out of your dream-world and your eyes met with his reflection. Due to the amount of times the brothers had barged into your room, you didn’t seem to be rattled by the fact he’d entered unannounced. “Good morning, mi amor!”

His eyes widened, and in just a few steps, he encases you within a rib-breaking hug that would rival Beelzebub’s.

You let out a small squeak of surprise and patted his arm in hopes he’d let you go so you could breathe. He loosened his grip but kept a firm hold on you. As he spoke, he rested his head on your shoulder. “Sorry, sorry. Just– Lemme stay like this for a little longer.” His voice was barely above a whisper. Your fingers threaded through his hair, and he let out a sigh.

“I feel like I’ve failed you,” He whispered.

You stiffened under his grasp, and he cursed himself for letting his thoughts slip out. “What?”

“Agh, nothin’, nothin’!” He let go of you and waved his hands precariously in front of him and grinned, making an obvious show of ‘nothing’ being wrong. “Was just talkin’ to myself, don’t ya worry, Elena.” You stared at him for a long moment, before you nodded.

“If you say so, love.”

Mammon could tell you hadn’t believed a word he had said. However, you weren’t the type to pry too much, so you didn’t question him. And for now, just being here with you was enough.

You were alright. Everything would be okay.

--------

But he knows that it isn’t. He spent the last year repeating the same day over and over. Trying, trying to save you. Always failing.

Each time you died seemed more devastating than the last – how could you keep disappearing during your conversation with Lucifer, then suddenly show up with Belphegor? He didn’t understand.

He’d tried, time and time again to follow you, but each time, he’d get stuck at the stairs that led to the attic. And surely you weren’t up there, because nobody was allowed there, except Lucifer.

Sometimes his anger would bubble up too much, and he’d even contemplate on whether he should murder his own brother, Belphegor, after he’d killed you so many times. Or at least severely injuring him before his brothers got in the way. Perhaps he could force him to talk about how he killed you when he was supposed to be in the human world. The violent urges would pass within minutes, and he’d mentally beat himself up over the fact he’d even think about killing his own brother.

--------

You had died once again. He had found you, half conscious, being dragged out to the hallway by his brother, who’s chest puffed out with pride at killing a ‘measly’ human that he despised. At some point, during one of the many times he’d repeated the timeline, he’d stopped crying when you died. He’d grown numb to the sensation of grief stabbing away at his heart. Instead, he turned, his head lowered, fists swung tightly by his sides. He left the House of Lamentation as his brothers mourned after you, and headed, as always, to the Demon Lord’s Castle.

The first thing Mammon had saw was Barbatos, stood by the entrance. His lips were curled into a smirk, and Mammon walked forward. He swung his fist forwards towards the other demon’s face, and Barbatos caught the punch before it landed, twisting Mammon’s hand away from him before he released.

“There’s no point in getting upset at me for your own failures.” The butler turned and walked back inside, and Mammon followed him inside, just like clockwork.

“You’re right.” He mumbled and stretched out his hand, fingers running over the fingernail marks that had bit into his palm.

He had followed Barbatos into his room, watched as he opened the door once again for him. If he stepped through, everything would be reset once again. You wouldn’t be dead anymore. You would be alive, in the Devildom.

With the next step he took, his demon form took place. After all the repeats of the same timeline, in the same dimension, he had grown more powerful. He could feel this extra energy surging through his veins, urging him to finally make a move. Barbatos turned towards Mammon as he stepped forward again, and with one swift blow to the head, he was down. He kicked the door shut, moving towards another door before Barbatos could recover. He was just thankful that Barbatos had explained which door contained which power, or he would’ve been lost in the time-loop forever. He yanked the door open.

“There’s only one way for us to be happy.” He muttered to himself as he stepped into the void beyond the doorway.

If he couldn’t save you, then he would create a universe where you would never get hurt again.

And with that last thought, his vision turned black.

  --------

some of y’all might’ve been wondering: damn, jo hasn’t written/posted anything in a bit. jokes legit nobody has thought that and that’s because i’ve been working on this commission for the lovely @eckya! it’s actually the longest fic i’ve wrote in Years at around 1.4k words (which isn’t that long but shh) 

they requested a fic with their custom MC inspired by madoka magica rebellion and it was pretty fun to play around/write with wibbly wobbly timey wimey... stuff. god i make myself cringe, this isnt 2012 tumblr

i hope y’all enjoy this fic bc it took a While due to quarantine fkjbggkj

if y’all did enjoy, feel free to tip my work here! or even commission me!

[talesoftextposts]

Exactly! Crestoria is not the only game they don't really keep tabs with. A while ago i played a saint seiya game by them and it had many many issues. If you cannot have multiple games with quality than please don't. Is bad for us and the employees, those poor people must be going crazy :c

At first I liked kasque, quite different than what I would expect from a goddess, but I ended disliking her...

I feel kinda bad for aegis just being a punching bag for jokes and Yuna just being there to look pretty, they have a lot of potential for the story. Like you said Yuna had a great point and a good reflection moment but whatever eh? Aegis too, I felt his story like a punch on the gut because I tend to be like him and the queen, but again, whatever...

I do the arena for the free stuff too! I am not competitive at all XD

hello again anon!! im going to do another readmore gksghkeg

yeah i honestly...ugh. i have just a lot of issues w bamco in general but i also Do Not want them to pay attention to me jic they tell me to stop making memes or something stupid like that— like genuinely instead of making the game more functional or adding like...idk. any story or shit that makes Sense they just added things like the transcendence board which is just. for ppl who already maxed out their ascension boards?? after like 6 months??? Y'ALL... ik for a while too the phantom tower was Waaayyy too difficult but i think they nerfed it back to normal considering i can now clear thru level 40 at least :/ but overall the game is just. geared towards ppl who drop fucktons of cash on it. if you look at the ppl in the top 3 in arena rn? you KNOW they've spent hundreds if not thousands of dollars on this game. what the fuck.

also minor gripes are just...they don't add very many new units anyway, compared to like even asteria, and i get that there's effort for the whole models or w/e but...i mean if rays can do it... and i don't mean that in the rate that banners are released, bc those are...kind of annoyingly often as of late (looking @ all the crestoria cast alts) but the fact they're only for 1 or 2 charas who are Only ssrs, and it genuinely makes r and sr stones and sr charas just...obsolete and useless imo? like i genuinely have EVERY sr AND r full awakened/ascended which. is probs partly due to the drop rates being Absolute Garbage, but thank god they implemented a pity system, right? ...right? [tired sigh] i've saved enough for julius who has been in crestoria for 228 days, bamco, fucking release h—

i also want to add that i've contacted support MULTIPLE times abt issues w the game and they have legit just told me "hm sucks have u tried playing the game w all other apps closed" like yes, bamco, but that's not the problem??

SORRY for several paragraph rant abt the gameplay i just have some very strong opinions LMAO

i understand not liking kasque! tales antags...and characters in general, actually, are rather hit or miss. i personally just love evil women so im rlly in love w her GSKEHGESKHG

but as for the aegis and yuna things... YEAH. i rlly love them both and it's been extremely disappointing to see how they've been treated by the story :( like even if yuna's acting silly to cover her own feelings, it would be nice to get those scenes we get in other tales games (like...idk even the scenes in xillia like where alvin and elize sit and talk in the park, and leia talks w i think jude or milla depending on the route?) considering it's like...is penelope going to be okay? can she ever go back to her?? is she okay just crossing the sea and leaving her, even if there's really no choice??? sorry for the character introspect i just have a lot of thoughts—

aegis too, it's like. i don't mind teasing to an extent, but i really feel sometimes they go too far w it :( esp in like. events and the character episodes moreso than the main story (tho i could be remembering incorrectly) which makes me wonder if they just have different writers for each but even THEN like the main story still fails to act like yuna and aegis Exist half the time?? and JEEZ yeah i am constantly thinking abt aegis and queen rebecca, esp imo it's just a very... well first of all, that has to be Traumatizing As Hell but second of all i strongly headcanon he was unable to say it bc he didn't mean it and also i have a headcanon that the whole event has kept him from ever saying the words "i love you" ever again so that's that on THAT. (these are my headcanons pls don't send me hate over them they're not canon i promise—)

and honestly same!! i used to be sss rank and then i stopped caring abt arena for a bit and dropped a couple ranks...oops. i'm currently s-5 and had to FIGHT to keep myself there this season. it's not that i rlly care abt winning or being high ranking. or first, even, i just want the prizes from being at a certain rank/placing tbh. which is why.....................................oh im so tired of the ppl with lvl 120 fully awakened new ass units like i GET IT you have MONEY but i am not spending that much on a mobile game!!

ANYWAY thank u for coming to my ted talk omfg im so sorry this is so long (again)

[hashtag-anthems]

I got tagged by @nahyutas-eyeliner so thanks so much! :D

5 fandoms I used to be in:

Harry Potter (I used to really love it but then JKR ended up being Like That and I'm not about that :/)

Percy Jackson and the Olympians (I still like it, I just haven't kept up with it)

Homestuck (I know it's a day late to say this but like... don't shame me)

Voltron (shame me I deserve it)

Pokémon (honestly I still like it, but I'm nowhere near as active in fandom anymore as I used to be, and I'm kind of disappointed in how the franchise has been prioritizing graphics over story ever since the switch to 3D)

5 fandoms I am currently in:

Ace Attorney (currently hyperfixating on this)

Bravely (I need to finish BDII but honestly when am I not thinking about this game series lol)

Persona 5/P5R (I need to get Strikers but I'm not buying any new games until I'm done with this semester)

Fire Emblem: Three Houses (still need to finish GD and CF tho...)

sk8 (my friends dragged me into it so this is more fandom by association than something I actively got into myself)

5 movies I used to watch a lot:

Lilo & Stitch (BIG favorite)

Cars 2 (I used to watch this at least once a week and I could recite the opening scene from memory)

Barbie Fairytopia (or Barbie movies in general but the Fairytopia movies were my favorites)

I used to watch Shrek 2 on DVD on every single long car trip because I had a portable DVD player that was kind of broken and Shrek 2 was the only movie I had that would still work.

Against my will, I've seen The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian like ten times despite never having watched another movie or read a single book in that series. I did play the White Witch in my high school drama production of The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe though. My mom's oldest goddaughter was really into that series.

5 movies that I watch a lot:

Clue (1985) is legit my favorite movie I watch it all the time

I've watched Oceans 8 more times than is probably healthy bc Cate Blanchett and Anne Hathaway were part of my gay awakening

I really liked The Greatest Showman when it came out and I'll put it on in the background while I work because I like the music

I haven't watched it super recently but despite not really liking the MCU post-AoU, I will watch Black Panther if given the slightest opportunity

I watch Prince of Egypt pretty often and I wanted to watch it during Passover but grad school got busy O.o

5 book series I used to read a lot:

The Princess Diaries (I read all but the last book bc my library didn't have it v_v) and honestly anything by Meg Cabot that I could get my hands on

The Disney Fairies books (I hecking loved those books okay they were great the movies did not do them justice)

Percy Jackson and the Olympians/The Heroes of Olympus (loved these books, kind of want to reread them)

The Gaslight Mysteries series by Victoria Thompson (I'll be honest these were NOT age appropriate for when I read them I was like eight but my grandma read them and liked them and would let me read them after she'd finished them and we would have fun talking about who I thought had committed the crime or whatever)

The Nancy Drew books (I never managed a full collection, but I do have a first edition of The Spider Sapphire Mystery that I got for $2 at an antique store once) I used to buy one every time I went to visit my stepdad's family because they had two Barnes & Noble stores and we would always stop by one and I would save up for this monthly trip so I could buy another Nancy Drew book and then when I finished it, my grandpa would read it.

5 book series I read now:

Does it count as a series if there are only two books? The last novels I read were The Handmaid's Tale and The Testaments by Margaret Atwood.

Trying to get my hands on the rest of the Persona 5 manga, I have the first two volumes and I want to collect the rest.

I will reread the Uglies books by Scott Westerfeld a million times those are amazing books I love them.

I got back into Fruits Basket because the sequel series came out and I picked up the first volume on a whim. I should finish that.

god I need to read more books that aren't for school um... I've actually been meaning to reread The Hunger Games now that I'm older because I last read those books in middle school and I feel like I missed a lot.

Tagging Time!

Gonna tag my mutuals @anonymous-ivplay @allyblogsaboutaa (or whatever other blog you want to use this is just the url I remember lol) @friendraichu @iqnatzvictor and @dimension-0

If you want to do this, feel free to say I tagged you, even if we aren't mutuals! I limited myself to 5 people but there are so many more I'd love to tag.

[idontevenwatchbl]

Rambling about The Stranded

Alright, after sleeping in way too long and getting myself a cup of coffee, maybe I’ll finally manage to wirte something coherent about The Stranded?

Spoilers for the whole series below, of course.

-I liked it? Probably wouldn’t have watched it in one sitting if I didn’t, but still. It was good.

-So I heavily recommend it. Although if you’re reading this you probably have watched it already so who am I even talking to lmao.

-Kinda hoped it would have been scarier though. There were some creepy moments but none that were truly scary. Which was a slight disappointment, but they probably weren’t even going for straight up horror.

-That said though, I got a slight feeling that the series tried to do way too many things at once and lost it’s focus at times. They kinda kept switching the tone.

-Wich offered nice diversity and kept things fresh, BUT

-It kinda made the different aspects of the show feel a bit separate from each other. There was the horror-y stuff with supernatural aspects, then the relationship dramas, and then there was also the whole thing of the kids building a mini society on the island (or maybe more like how they kinda failed at that and everything just crumbled down).

-and also resulted in weird continuity issues like everyone just forgetting Arisa in the jungle for TWO WEEKS. I mean most of them probably didn’t care, but what about Ying? To be fair, Arisa did kinda ditch her, but still. She seemed to just forget she even existed and wow.

-They all got over Joey’s death a bit too quickly too, imo. Even though you’d think it’s a big shock for all of them. I mean sure, they just survived a tsunami and don’t even know if their FAMILIES are alive, but Joey was still the first one among them to die, so it would have been nice if it had a bit more impact.

-Some of the more lighthearted aspects also felt out of place at times. Didn’t bother me too much, but it’ll probably be jarring to some people.

-Also it was slightly amusing how even in the desperate situation they were in, ppl still had time for relationship drama. But they are teenagers and all the stress is probably messing up their hormones real bad, so I guess it’s kinda understandable.

-Anyway, my main concern would be that they they don’t manage to tie together these different sides of the shows in a meaningful way in the upcoming season(s).

-When Arisa first appeared on screen, like 2 minutes into the show, my first thought was literally; wow, I bet she likes girls? AND I MEAN-

-Speaking of which, the whole Arisa/Ying thing got me so confused. It was clear as day Arisa was attracted to her, but then she got all like ‘lol nope’. To be fair, it was most likely just the case of her not being ready to admit her feelings. But still, it frustrated me.

-ALSO then there was Arisa having a few moments with Nat towards the end of the series and Ying being patching things up with Ice.

-This is probably just me being way too into my ‘Arisa must be a lesbian’ -headcanon, but I have a mini theory that she was actually in love with Mint.

-Istg if Arisa and Ying DON’T get together in the hypothetical s2, I’m gonna be upset.

-Moving on from that, I also accidentally predicted May getting pregnant lmao.

-Can’t really remember it clearly, but there was some scene scene in ep1 when I thought ‘hm, is she pregnant?’ (I think they focused the camera on her stomach or something). Sure she wasn’t at the moment, but still. Lol.

-I also kept wondering in any of them even used condoms. Did the island even have condoms? I mean probably yes, but I’d be surprised if Ice and Ying hadn’t already used them all.

-I guess it really was just a matter of time before someone got pregnant.

-My favorite characters ended up being Arisa, Ying and Nahm. Especially loved Arisa, which is absolutely no surprise at all.

-ALSO, I just have to say this, Ying is really beautiful?? I’d be crushing on her too.

-Really hated Anan, but he was such an interesting character! Really complex, and I want to know more about him (and why he hates Kraam so much).

-Anan losing his shit over May cheating on him cracked me up bc I associate March too heavily with Phu and if you’ve watched Hormones, YOU KNOW WHAT HE DID. You reap what you sow, honey.

-I have surprisingly little to say about Krit and Jack, even though I liked them?

-They mainly just shattered my heart. Like I legit wanted to cry when Jack died, how’s that even prossible? We didn’t even know him for THAT long.

-Also, I probably shouldn’t have watched LBC so close to this. At first I just kept seeing Perth and Mark as Ae and Kengkla and LET ME TELL YOU, it kinda cracked me up even among all the angst. It did go away pretty soon tho.

-I know I’ve wished a slow, painful death for Kengkla (no offense at all, i’m just... NOT fond of the character), BUT THIS IS UNRELATED. Jack did nothing wrong.

-Both Perth and Mark did such a great job and I’M PROUD OF THEM.

-Btw, the casting for Jack and Jan was perfect. The girl who played Jan really resembled Mark. They aren’t actually related, are they?

-Btw, wouldn’t it have been better to amputate Jack’s leg to stop the infection from spreading? Sure that would have had it’s own risks, but since his situation was already pretty desperate, they should have just taken the chance.

-In the same vein, couldn’t they have used the generator to power up their phones? Kraam could have listened to the voice message his dad left, and WE WOULD HAVE ANSWERS.

-Okay, most likely not their top priority, but still.

-Gun confessing his love to sleeping Nat was so soft and I loved it.

-They most likely won’t end up together, but I want it so bad.

-I’m still not sure what to think about ‘’the teacher’’, or whoever she ends up being. Is she evil or not? Getting mixed signals here. Or maybe she’s more like a neutral being, not truly evil or good.

-Nahm said she’s not and she seems to be the most trustworthy of them all, but then again she DID have that weird dream. Is she under her influence?

-Took me a while to realize, but almost all of the people they showed at the end of the last episode, also acted in Hormones? No wonder they looked familiar.

-I kinda predicted we wouldn’t get any real answers in this season, but I’m still a bit frustrated. I WANNA KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON.

I most likely forgot to include something, and my ramblings most likely make 0 sense, but if I want to add something I’ll just make a follow-up post.

I really hope the series does well enough for us to get a second season, because this series definitely NEEDS ONE.

[superheroshippinq-archive]

*slides in on my heelies* okay quill, gush time. Scream about anything and everything with your f/os. No holding back —Nic

@me-myself-and-my-fos you're so gonna regret giving me this ask but THANK YOU TGTGSHSGS

putting it under a cut bc its just a big gush dump abt literally all my f/os but to anyone who does read it all thank you and srsly i love u so much i hope u know that i would die for u 🥺🥰 💕

// literally like. where do i start my mind is EVERYWHERE and im having a CRISIS i just love them all ?? sm ?? yknow ??

// i think mainly i’ve been thinking abt mon and winn like .... omg. theres this thing mon el does in c*non where he was reading romeo and juliet and underlining lines that reminded him of kara and I WANT HIM TO DO THAT FOR ME SO SO BAD ........... like that is so soft and usually i dont like taking ideas from c*non ships but oh my god that one is so good .......... 💕💕

// i had a not so good dream last night so i was thinking abt winn comforting me after a nightmare ( and not letting me have coffee at like 2 am to keep myself awake bc he wants me to get some sleep ). and him staying up to help me fall asleep again even tho he’s tired. like. wow he would so do that for me 🥺🥺

// winn is just so cute like hes such a good soft boy and hes so awkward but silly and so CUTE like .... he has a very cute face yknow ?? like a puppy ?? i just ???? i adore him i ADORE HIM and every time i see him im like. sir. sir give me a KISS.

// also i cannot stop thinking abt .... reunions with both of them yknow .... bc theyre both in the 31st century rn and it literally does NOT help that cw keeps teasing them coming back this season like i am so impatient let me see my BOYS AND GIVE THEM BIG SMOOCHES !!!!!!!!!!!! 😤😤

// ok OK BUT ALSO OFC after the last supergirl ive been thinking abt brainy but more specifically female brainy like ......... GOD SHES SO PRETTY. LOOK AT HER. 

// wow that is my WIFE RIGHT THERE THAT IS HER MY WIFE A LITERAL GODDESS I LOVE HER SM. shes so badass and stoic too and you already KNOW thats my type just LOOK at kate and jessica. my brain refuses to be on straight activity today i am SO bi. should i make a new tag for her or should i just keep her under brainy’s tag ??? IDK BUT SHES THE GREATEST. pls. marry me

// and speaking of my wife .... like ,,, wow. kate ,,, she is just. i SWEAR 90% of what she did in last nights ep was stand around in her suit but oh my god i love her so much i was in AWE. luke wasn’t on her comms when she went on missions in that episode so i kept imagining myself taking his place ( since hes my brother ) and being in her ear during missions and wow ..... we’re a power couple aren’t we ..... 

// also. she was just standing around letting those teenagers take selfies with her bc she cant say no lmfao shes adorable.

// I’D GUSH ABT ⭐ BUT I LEGIT DONT TRUST MYSELF WITH KEEPING HIM A SECRET BUT KNOW I LOVE HIM SO MUCH AND I SAW HIM YESTERDAY IN A RANDOM AD AND I SQUEALED

// ok ok thinking abt mon again bc he helps so much with my anxiety like ..... i can easily think of so many soft scenarios with him and they really help distract me when i get upset or anxious. i think of so much angst with him too but its GOOD ANGST and it still makes me really happy to think abt if that makes sense ??? i just wanna hug him and be in his arms and have soft domestic moments with him .......................... is that so bad ?? i love him so so much ??? 

// WINN TOO I GET TO SEE EVIL WINN IN THE NEXT EP AND THATS LOWKEY ( HIGHKEY ) SO SO EXCITING .... TOYMAKER WINN OH MY GOD

// its kinda funny that a lot of the time i cant think abt mon without thinking abt winn what does that MEAN

// literally just putting this here bc i started thinking abt female brainy again. miss dox. i’d be so lovestruck the first time i meet her i swear. like. i’d be pining so hard alex would tell me to just go home bc im not getting any work done LMFAO. she is literally the DIRECTOR OF THE DEO WHERE SHES FROM OH MY GOD. she is so powerful and knows it i love her. help.

// yknow .... ive been thinking abt the last ep of crisis and how much more cheerful/happy barry seemed and its just so good to see that again. it feels SO GOOD to see that again. all ive wanted this past like 4 MONTHS is for him to be happy again and its happened finally and gosh i am the big heart eyes @ him because im so happy and proud of him ................. i got lost in pics of him on pinterest this morning i SWEAR hes such a big comfort for me that i just go to him even when i dont need comfort tgbtrhgshg. barry sir i cannot wait to marry you. look how far we’ve come

// tomorrow is a new legends ep and i get new nate content .... like ... i love my historian boy i do not give him enough love but i adore him with all my heart. he’s actually one of my longest kept f/os since i’ve been shipping with him WAY before i even made that blog and i think thats pretty great of us 😤👌 im just hoping he gets a lot of screen time !!!!

// *points to conner and jessica* I DONT HAVE MUCH TO SAY ABT YALL RN BUT I THINK ABT YALL EVERY DAY AND I LOVE YALL SO MUCH AND IM NOT NEGLECTING U I SWEAR

[indulgnces]

hello! it’s jess again with my new final girl bb brooke under the cut! (AHS 1984 SPOILERS!) I’m playing her pre-prison for the most part, but legit after this next episode there are gonna be some new attributes given to her, so I’ll circle back and change as needed after Wednesday!

❛  ( LILY COLLINS )  ◈  dude, shut up ! BROOKE THOMPSON from AHS: 1984 is on screen. their fans swear they’re just COMPASSIONATE & CLEVER, but we’ve all seen their RESERVED & SKEPTICAL side ! according to TRUMAN WIKIA, they’re TWENTY-FOUR years old, CLOSETED BISEXUAL, & identify as CISFEMALE ( SHE/HER ). they’re currently a VETERINARY ASSISTANT & are CONFUSED about life in truman. luckily they have THEIR ENGAGEMENT RING AND HER KNIFE with them & can visit THE ROLLER RINK whenever they want. penned by JESS.

so her bio is always subject to change depending on what happens, as her show is currently airing, so a final version of her won’t come around for another couple weeks. but below is a sketch of my sweet & badass final girl brooke thompson (spoiler warning for ahs 1984!!)

CANON LIFE 

(gun tw, murder tw)

“I, uh I had this dumb idea, this, this dream to-” “To be somebody?” “No. To be nobody.....I pretended for so long to be somebody that I wasn't. Now I don't even know who I am.”

was a smart child who liked to learn. top of her all her classes. goodie-goodie who I wouldn’t call a nerd or a teacher’s pet, just like a prepared student who kept to herself and aced all her shit

things were smooth but then there was this entitled jerky bad Nice Guy who kept coming in 2nd behind her, and instead of pushing himself to idk be smarter than brooke and be on top on his own, he bitched and straight up stopped talking to brooke

that wasn’t enough for the baby tho, and so he convinced everyone else in their class to stop talking to brooke too. fucking iced out by her entire class

brooke did not like that. v much did not like that. she is a bit of a people pleaser, and can be easily peer pressured, and the idea of people thinking of her in a negative light, the idea that she was making other people mad or upset for some reason, didn’t set well with her, so she started to fail on purpose

pretended to be dumber than she was until she fell into the #2 spot, then the icing out stopped and the mean Nice Guy asked brooke out and ....she said yes bc well, why not?

flash forward and he’s asking her to marry him and she says yes for the same reasons before and though they’ve been together for years, they’ve never had sex/were saving themselves 

did i forget to mention Nice Guy was a jealous guy? i feel like that was implied, but yeah he was a v jealous boy, and during their wedding he accused brooke of sleeping with his best man sam duke (montana’s brother wassup), then proceeded to shoot sam, brooke’s dad when he tried to protect brooke, and then aimed that gun at brooke before shooting himself instead

#traumatized 

brooke got the hell out of dodge after that. didn’t want to be that girl anymore. didn’t want to be the Smart Girl or the Girl Who Slept With Her Fiance’s Best Man or the Girl With The Crazy Fiance or the Girl With The Murder Wedding like she just didn’t want to be anybody, wanted to blend into a crowd of strangers and disappear

where better to do that than los angeles? 

moved to la, got into santa monica college to take classes towards becoming a veterinarian assistant, was just gonna chill

then the night stalker decided to break into her apartment and try to kill her, but she’s got Balls and is clever when in danger, so she beat him with a frying pan and made a lot of noise and her neighbors heard and saved her life so #bless

decided again to get the hell out of dodge and go with a group of new friends to be a camp counselor at camp redwood for the summer because fun!!!! and safety, mostly

except not fun OR safe bc their first night there and she’s nearly killed by THREE killers (richard, mr.jingles, and fucking MONTANA) on separate occasions, had a traumatized night all around, and when daylight broke, she managed to kill that bitch montana in an act of self defense

bad timing tho bc she gutted her when a bus full of children were driving by, so like, not a good look, and then that bitch camp owner & true serial killer psycho margaret decided to pin all the murders on brooke so (upside down smile face emoji yknow the one)

brooke was found guilty and, after five years in jail, was sentenced to death by lethal injection

sentence was carried, brooke died an Absolute Boss, giving no fucks to richard (this man terrified her before and now she doesnt give two shits my gIRL!!), spitting at margaret, just being a badass, and then afterwards donna gave her a dose of adrenaline and brought my girl back to life

donna brought her back to health, and during that time brooke bonded and began to trust her. she also found out about margaret returning to camp redwood for a festival, and has made it her mission to go back and gut that lying bitch for the hell she put her through before she can go on with her life

also on her one day of fun out of the hotel after her recovery, she had a brief run in with a psycho serial killer bc (donna &) brooke’s apparently just serial killer BAIT, but guess what? just like every time before my girl used her fucking brain and got both her and donna out of their situation, and because she’s a badass now, she didn’t run away this time, instead she stayed and finished the job - opting to tie the psycho up and cut off his hitchhiking thumbs like a fucking BOSS i love her

now walking the way to redwood with her girl donna

and that’s everything of brooke thus far in canon! I’ll add more when the series ends!

FUN FACTS & HEADCANONS

did not sleep with sam, thank you very much

lost her virginity to ray, the ghost, during that traumatizing night at redwood and it was only Okay

was kissed by montana during that traumatizing night before it came to light that montana fucking hated her guts, and um that split second kiss did more for her than sex with ray? (no tea no shade ray you got a shudder or two out of her okay (but not the o oof)) brooke didn’t know she could feel that way towards women until montana kissed her and that shit SCARED her so she freaked and ran

so you know how brooke told donna not to kill that psycho killer who tried to kill them when they were on the road? it wasn’t because she wanted to torture him. it’s because she didn’t want donna to have to go through the trauma of killing somebody. bc even though she knows she was justified in killing montana, and she had to do it to save her life, she still went through the trauma of knowing she ended someone’s life, and she compassionate and doesn’t want her friend to deal with it either. she’s not about that murder game now, she’s not gonna kill if she don’t have to. but she’s not the same as she was before, not gonna let ppl get off scotch free - aka why she took the man’s thumbs & tied him up: punishment for what he did, and she left him there vulnerable to either die, or more likely: be found by a passing car, and face the punishment for what he did

girl really is serial killer bait though. idk what it is. when she was an innocent girl just trying to get through life? encountered her joey her fiance (killed 3 ppl including himself), ramirez (killed 13? people and counting), montana (psycho killed at least 2 people, presumably more, and counting), and mr. jingles (killed 5+ people) - most of who just wanted to kill her to killer her. then she became a bad bitch. and again, serials killers took an interest in her, with both ramirez & psycho bruce hitchhiker both amused by her new thick skin smhhh, girl can’t catch a break one way or another with these killers.

TRUMAN

“I don’t know what’s real. I- I don’t even trust myself.”

ah, truman, brooke has been utterly confused about truman

because brooke, she buys the story the actors have told her 

okay, so she moved to truman after the Red Wedding nightmare, okay, sure

but like, she spent five years in jail for crimes she didn’t commit, and that shit has left an IMPRESSION on this girl and so she’s also like, something doesn’t add up

but she’s not suspicious by nature, and she’ll believe what she’s been told, because why rock the boat and say otherwise? 

so she got her degree in truman in biology, with intentions to pursue veterinary school for her doctorate and obtain her license, and she hasn’t spoken her doubts aloud 

but like, LATELY (*cough* with the season’s premiere *cough*), babe’s been more confused than usual, with intense bouts of memories coming back to her

and she’s expressed these distressing memories to the actors, who act the same way the redwood crew did to her when she told them she was being chased by mr.jingles that first episode: they mocked and laughed her off, got her to believe what they needed her to

but just like redwood, with each passing week the memories won’t stop, and she’s been Distressed and then her PRISON EPISODE hit her and the sensation of dying has fully convinced her that these are not just dreams, these events are real, and she’s not sure how to process it

since the memories have returned, her new experiences and thick skin from prison has returned, making her wary of strangers once again, but it’s battling with her current perception of the world, and it’s all especially especially in this place that’s filled with people trying to tell her that’s she crazy for her memories

PERSONALITY

okay so, before prison? girl was naive and dependent and trusting and believed n the best of people. she got scared easy, had trouble being alone at night, and relied on the people around her for protection in life. she went with the flow and had little agency in her life, as she allowed her controlling fiance to p much dictate her life tbh 

before prison but after her red wedding, brooke became more reserved then usual, because she had an intense desire to be alone, and to be away from the stigmas and the reputation she had in her old life following the nightmare event. it was her first taste of independence, though she was still dependent in nature, as the second a group of friends came into her life, she found herself following their lead, tagging along.

after prison? total change. five years - NO, 1825 DAYS - in prison absolutely changed her. she looked back at her life and that night and realized she was too trusting. she got warnings and scares multiple times that day and night at redwood, from the gas station employee to the hitchhiker to the mystery phone call to the news report to LITERALLY BEING CHASED and she still didn’t follow her gut - instead she tried to do what everyone else around her told her to do, which was relax because she was supposedly being paranoid. if she had pushed, if she had the nerve to walk away even, none of this would have happened. and she hates herself for that. 

she spent five years as an innocent victim with scary guilty criminals, and she grew a thick skin as a result. lost her innocence and her wide-eyed charm. 

not she’s skeptical, and even more reserved than before, and wary to strangers. she’s still compassionate and helpful, still feels for people and had an urge to help, but she doesn’t follow those urges as helplessly as she did before. she trusts her gut more.

carries around a knife too because, as said earlier, she’s some kinda magnet for killers and you can never be too safe!

I called her clever because my girl, when in life and death situations,is SO FUCKING SMART like she does not go out without a fight and it’s never full on “imma hit you with my fists” its “let me see what I have around me at my disposal” like she is smart and she is quick to grasp a new situation when her life is in peril, she out here wielding frying pans and canoe paddles and using two serials killers pushing her around in a net as momentum to grab a tree and climb out of her net like she’s so smart

when her life is not in peril, though, she be doing dumb shit like sleeping with her window open KNOWING serial killers take advantage of that shit and answering creepy pay phones in the middle of the night so, shes a naive bitch too

positive: compassionate, determined, honest, clever, resourceful, helpful, kind

negative: reserved, skeptical, resentful, paranoid, tense, touchy, withdrawn

SUBJECT TO CHANGE! as the season progresses.

CANON CONNECTIONS

i basically love brooke with all of the redwood gang tbh

montana? love it. angsty dark shit im game. xavier? love it. soft as fuuuck. richard? game, tell him to fuck off sis he don’t scare you no more. donna? bet, I need this badass duo in my life!!! chet? adorable babies, let them share more marshmallows together. ray? also cute, he may be a coward but he was soft with her so!, trevor? #letsmakebrookeblush2k19 bc that big dick interaction was funny and I wanted more moments of blushing virgin brooke becoming speechless around trevor (and montana, or the ultimate combo of trevor & montana) during a summer at redwood bUT THAT NEVER HAPPENED 

anyways

TRUMAN CONNECTIONS

once again, I’ll probs post smth separate for her connections!

and yeah! that’s everything on my new girl! if you’ve made it this far, you’re still the best my dudes!! if you’d like to do any kind of plotting with my girl, just go ahead and hit that like button, and I’ll slide in y’alls dms! ♥

[staliasjeronica]

Riverdale 3.14 Thoughts *Spoilers*

Joking Betty… wow… that’s actually very adorable and I love it. More of this (good) petty Betty please!

Did Archie just get a job? I’m confused… “you gotta pay your dues” makes it sound like he fucked everything up and has to pay money for something but then he’s like “yeah no this kid has been through too much, just sweep and lock up, okay?” But like… what?

Like I’m mad at Cheryl for what she did last episode to my boys, but holy fuck she looks good, and Peaches beside her? WHOO I’M—

LMAO CHERYL’S FACE WHEN THAT ONE GUY CALLS THEM “BITCHES” So like… why weren’t we allowed to see that fight? I fucking heard glass breaking so like… lemme see Cheryl punch at least one ghoulie bitch

Jughead saying that the Serpents don’t cook… as if they don’t have ghoulies, who DO cook drugs. Serpents were always the better gang because the Ghoulies sealed drugs and shit, and Serpents just helped out the community lol

Principal Weatherbee what was the reason for saying “one more strike” twice???

Wait since the fuck when was the speakeasy secret? YOU HAD AN OPENING AND SO MANY REGULAR PEOPLE FROM RIVERDALE WERE THERE??? God this show is so fucking confusing I’m—

Why did they make Archie yell at the kid when we all know he would be soft to a young kid? Is it to make Archosie seem like cute parents? Either way tho… I LOVE ARCHOSIE

POOR RICKY. Imma protect him with my life oKAY

“It’s just me and my dad” EXCUSE ME WHILE I GO CRY. 

UGH WE LOVE DAD ARCHIE OKAY

Choni!!! This angst is really… scaring me whoo. That line about the meeting spot… got to me. Like many are misinterpreting it as them breaking up but she’s just saying that it’s going to be awkward if they have meetings for a gang Toni suspended her from in her house.

A CORE FOUR SCENE? WOW I 5GOT THEY WERE STILL FRIENDS SKSKSKSKSKS because Betty never talks to V, and when she does it’s usually her talking shit for literally no reason, and then V apologizes… for no reason. And Betty never sees Archie bc the writers are afraid of Barchie’s power, same with Jeronica lol (I want more Jeronica breadcrumbs please)

If they do lose the Cooper house, she should move in with Archie. And no, it’s not just because I like Barchie and want them together (love you too archosie but you’re going to have to end when Josie goes to the spinoff :(( ) because Archie has room, he’s her best friend, and honestly we don’t need Betty being caught up in the Lodge or Jones family drama.

“You are an attractor?” What the fuck does that even mean, Kevin? Honestly this episode actually makes me ROOT for Betty like that’s a rare thing to me because normally she’s an annoying bitch but like… I like this Betty. The one who’s actually nice, and isn’t a bitch to her friends for no reason, who isn’t trying to please her boyfriend by inserting herself into her boyfriend’s gang. Like, season one Betty. When she was happiest (even though right now… that’s not really a possibility with what’s going on with her family). Give me this Betty, with a not stupid Jughead (which lets me honest right now he’s not able to not be a stupid fucking idiot), and I might be able to say I can tolerate Bughead

Oh wow it was a ghoulie. I never would have guessed. How crazy.

First of all, I love that Fangs calls him a fizzle rock junkie. Like, I know he sold it for his mom but I still find it kinda funny… two… WHEN THE FUCK WAS MY BOY FANGS THE AGGRESSIVE ONE? I swear they switched up Sweet Pea and Fangs’ personalities because they KNOW Sweet Pea would never allow stupid ass Jughead’s ideas and shit and he would fight back. But now suddenly it’s Fangs??? Like… what? I mean I love seeing SP’s soft side and I like the idea of showing Fangs aggressive side but they’re really fucking everything up when it comes to arcs and personalities and shit

LMAO WHY DID I LAUGH WHEN JUGHEAD HIT THE DESK AND SCREAMED “ALRIGHT” LIKE ALL HE HAD TO DO WAS GO IN BETWEEN THEM WHAT WAS THE POINT OF DEFINITELY HURTING YOUR HAND ON THE DESK JUGHEAD. Like I said… stupid idiot lol.

Jughead just needs to cut ties like there’s only two original Serpents left… just give Toni what she deserves (her rightful title) and watch the Serpents go back to being an actual, good gang (good as in not fucked up and withering)

“And now that I think about it, neither do the Serpents” YEAH BECAUSE YOU CAN’T LEAD A GANG. Once again… give Toni her rightful title so she can make the Serpents how they were supposed to be!!! IT’S NOT THAT HARD JUGHEAD.

So like where the fuck is Tom Keller??? Why can’t he help his son? This is BS

Why does this feel like the only scene where Betty legit talks to Josie? Like, one on one? Mmhm

So because I already know that Ricky is Joaquin’s brother (I’ll freak out about that when it comes to it) WHY THE FUCK DON’T ANY OF THE SERPENTS… well… SP or Fangs…. RECOGNIZE HIM??? THEY INSINUATED THAT FANGS DATED JOAQUIN SO LIKE HE SHOULD KNOW HIS YOUNGER BROTHER. What the fuck writers

What kinda crack… Kevin really just walked on fire like it was nothing??? Also if Kevin is doing this does that mean Alice did?

I’m still mad that they kept the murder of the shady man a secret like it was self defense they had nothing to hide! And now it’s being used against her. UGH

TONI COMING TO TELL JUGHEAD ABOUT FANGS.

MY BABY FANGS.

AHHHHHHHHHHHH MY BOY BETTER NOT GET HURT

THANK GOD SWEET PEA AND JUGHEAD PROTECTED HIS FALL!!! Also because I ship Swangs… PROTECTIVE BOYFRIEND SWEET PEA YEAH BOY

“I miss the Serpents” as someone who head cannons Reggie as Sweet Pea’s half brother… love that line for me

DAD ARCHIE I’M—

LOPAZ CRUMBS OH MY GOD

The fact that Veronica thinks of the Pretty Poisons instead of the Serpents really says something. Like, The Serpents are dying, the Poisons are kinda crazy when listening to Cheryl but when it comes to Toni, she knows how to run a gang which is why Veronica went to her and not Jughead. I may ship Jeronica but this was a great idea on Veronica’s part. ALSO MY GIRLS GET PAID!

I know right now Alice is fucking crazy and being manipulated but like… who the fuck would sell their house to an anonymous buyer???

This… is Jughead’s idea? Making Serpents deputies? This is so fucking stupid… it’s official, Archie isn’t the official “idiot” (even though his mistakes were all innocent and well-intentioned) it’s Jughead, he’s the stupid crackhead of Riverdale now

BUT they get paid so that’s good… but still… really? Making them deputies? How fucking stupid is Jughead???

Mmhm and easier way to do this is to GIVE THE SERPENTS TO TONI BECAUSE SHE DESERVES IT. IT’S HER BIRTHDAY. But Jugaloo Jones would rather skin himself than be wrong and prove Toni right

SWEET PEA CLEARING HIS THROAT TO MAKE SURE THE OTHERS RAISE THEIR HANDS I’M—

Lmao there’s my boy! “Do we get to carry guns?”

Still can’t believe he’s Joaquin’s brother. Like, we never know anything about the Serpents until it’s convenient like GIVE US BRITTA BACK SHE’S BETTER AT BALANCING ALL OF THIS SHIT. I heard she’s writing for episode 20 or something so can’t wait for that episode!!!

First of all, WHAT IS WITH PEOPLE USING KNIVES AGAINST ARCHIE??? Also of course at the time we find out he’s self harming and crazy, then he suddenly realizes that’s what Ms. Weiss is telling Archie and then suddenly decides to become crazy.

SECOND OF ALL, FRED!!! Oh this is so sad. We’ll be seeing him for the next few episodes, too… I wonder if they’ll do what they did on Glee and have something happen to him in the show and have a whole episode dedicated to him, or find another actor to play Fred. I mean, I know it’s really really really bad to think of this but if Fred dies in the show too, Archie will… not make it. I think they’re probably going to find another actor, but I don’t know. Whichever they do, though, I’ll be okay with.

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP WITH THE FUCKING “KILL THE RED PALADIN” SHIT!!! Jesus Christ

I made myself sad because I heard “obviously” instead of “I’ll be asleep” anyways time to cry

Choni angst :(

YES TONI. YES PEACHES. YES PRETTY POISONS

WE LOVE AND STAN Veronica Lodge SAY IT WITH ME! WE LOVE AND STAN VERONICA LDOGE

Why did I get déjà vu with that scene at the end though?

So I guess arson runs in the family…

[likeshipsonthesea]

though you're many years away by eyres, we carry our lives around in our memories by biblionerd07, young hearts, out our minds by junko, Geriatric Road Trip, 2015 by what_alchemy, Nightcall by thegrimshapeofyoursmile, family means no one gets left behind or forgotten by cosmicocean, Ghost Stories by hitlikehammers, And Shadows Will Fall Behind by leveragehunters, Lovecraft in Brooklyn by littleblackfox, where the dread fern grows by silentwalrus -all stucky and over on ao3. I hope you like them!

As previously explained, I’m responding to all fic-rec asks in my inbox for cleaning purposes, and woo boy this is a doozy. Thank you so much for the effort and the amount of recs here!!

though you’re many years away by eyres

When Bucky wakes up 68 years after crashing a plane into the Atlantic, his first question is about Steve Rogers.

He finds him in a nursing home outside New York City. But the story doesn’t end there.

In which, Erskine never made it out of Europe, Steve never got the serum, and Bucky is the one who wakes up in the future.

this looks very interesting! not typically the kind of fic i read, but i can’t wait to check it out regardless :)

we carry our lives around in our memories by biblionerd07

James doesn’t remember why he has a metal arm. The doctors say he had an accident and has brain damage. Sometimes he wishes he could remember. But every morning he gets to eat breakfast with his friend Steve, so it’s not so bad. James thinks he and Steve might be dating, kind of. It’s alright if he doesn’t remember everything. Steve doesn’t mind.

this fic seems similar to one i read like a year ago, and I remember that fic being really good, so i think this one will be too!

young hearts, out our minds by junko

Bucky posts a selfie of the two of them in bed to his instagram.

He hashtags it #goodmorningamerica. Sam Wilson and Pepper Potts retweet it to their twitter accounts.

i’m pretty sure i read this fic like right after i got into the mcu… like even before i got into the mcu, when all i knew was that the pretty blond boy someone kept reblogging to my dash looked sad and i had to know why.. anywho, this fic is lovely and fun and uplifting and thank you for reminding me of it!

Geriatric Road Trip, 2015 by what_alchemy

Bucky was the eldest of four.

this looks so wonderful i can’t wait to read it!! like with only the title and summary and very few tags i already know i’m going to enjoy it :))

Nightcall by thegrimshapeofyoursmile

“This is good,” James says a little surprised and his fingertips rest on a white space of paper while he looks at the black lines that form his face, half-hidden by his shoulder-long hair. It looks dangerous. It looks lonely. It looks-

“I mean I can give it to you and you–wait, what?” Little guy says in confusion, then knits his eyebrows together before it eases into something quite pleased. “Thank you. It’s just a quick sketch, but–I hope you don’t mind me saying that, but this metal prosthesis of yours is quite remarkable.”

“You have a strange taste in men,” James replies without thinking and when he realizes what he is doing he hands over the sketch pad as quickly as possible. He does not flirt with people nor does he try to find out more about their tastes that easily. Not anymore.

Little guy just smiles, looks at him with blue, blue eyes and says, “Well, what are your tastes, then?”

///////

A.k.a The Winter Soldier goes out and finds himself his very own willowy boyfriend.

who doesn’t love a shrinkyclinks fics??? i can’t wait to check this one out!!

family means no one gets left behind or forgotten by cosmicocean

“Why did you think I wouldn’t like you for being gay?” Steve asks gently.

“You’re Captain America.” Eli’s got his teeth clenched and is resolutely looking ahead. “You stand for truth and justice and the American way. You stand for American morals. You stand for…” he shrugs awkwardly. “Not people like me.”

Steve blows the air out of his cheeks slowly, trying to figure out how to keep the anger out of his voice so Eli doesn’t think it’s at him.

Or, Steve comes to terms with his new world, and gains some children in the process.

okay was someone going to tell me there was a fic where steve rogers adopts some gay kids or was i just supposed to read about it in a fic recs by myself?!?!?!? okay that doesn’t really work bc you legit just told me about it BUT OMG I WANT TO READ THIS SO BADLY WHAT THE HECK.. thank you. so much.

Ghost Stories by hitlikehammers

Steve doesn’t like bullies, on principle. It’s less about justice, or decency, or righteous indignation; more about the look in the eyes of the people getting stepped on, the people getting trampled, the people getting lost.

So it cuts all the deeper, when Steve recognizes strength, precision, endurance, capacity: sees the pieces of himself not born but made, reflected in this body, this person, this weapon: the Winter Soldier.

It slices through Steve’s soul when he returns the Soldier’s gaze, and reads the only thing that lives in the deadness that pervades behind those irises in the night.

It’s not You can’t beat me.

It’s more You can’t stop them.

For the prompt: The AU where Steve Rogers sees the best in everyone, and it is that quality that brings him back the person he loves most in the world; where Steve reaches out to help the Winter Soldier on principle, but when the muzzle-mask comes off, he finds Bucky Barnes.

this whole concept??? beautiful. i cannot wait to read this

And Shadows Will Fall Behind by leveragehunters

The world was full of things no one could have expected.

Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes never expected to fall from a train into decades of torture and killing.

HYDRA never expected their perfect Winter Soldier’s programming to shatter.

And Bucky, who’d once been the Winter Soldier, who was now an auxiliary to the Avengers, never expected to look down from a rooftop in New York City, where he was keeping watch over the world’s most ineffectual aspirant supervillains, and see a tiny ball of angry sunshine. Fierce and fearless, he loosed feelings in Bucky that he’d thought were gone forever.

Bucky was determined to see him again. The better thing would have been to introduce himself. Not to stealthily follow him as he leapt across the rooftops, strong and agile, feet touching down like he was doing gravity a favour.

The world may have been full of things no one could have expected, but Bucky probably shouldn’t have been surprised when his tiny ball of fierce, angry sunshine dumped him on his ass.

listen this is a shrinkyclinks loving household and i am so excited for the tol-smol dynamic about to play out in this fic.. thank you

Lovecraft in Brooklyn by littleblackfox

Bucky shrugs. “My brothers wish me dead. But I have claimed this world as mine, and should any dare approach I will slaughter them, and their progeny.”“Oh,” Steve says weakly. “Well, it’s tough coming from a large family.”

umm okay, I , like steve, am mildly confused, but i will check it out bc why the heck not my dude

where the dread fern grows by silentwalrus

Sam’s gotta buy a wedding present, and nothing but elf booze will do.

i love magical realism and who doesn’t want bucky as a witch??? a must-read for sure.

AND WITH THAT we come to the end of this beautiful fic rec, thank you so much for all the recommendations, I can’t wait to check them out and I hope y’all (as in my followers, my dudes) get a chance to read them too!

(seriously this whole thing is beautiful, tysm *cries in gay* happy pride y’all)

[secretagentspydetectiveninja]

More of the Misadventures of Aish rereading Misadventures and fixing typos, like a cowardly fool because I can’t sleep

chapters 21-25 oh no here we go

(actually I did this in like November on my phone but only just now remembered that I never posted it so here ya go, this is all weeks old)

Okay so with the chapter titles, I didn’t actually start naming them until about ch27 or so, but I had already nicknamed this chapter something like “IT’S FRIENDSHIP YOU COWARDS” bc this one got a surprising amount of notes on tumblr and I’m 99% sure most of the people who read it did not realize that this is in fact a Kimax fic

And also THIS CHAPTER WAS THE TURNING POINT. I could either have kept the fic rly lighthearted until way near the end, or decide to start shoving in the Angst much quicker. 3 guesses what I picked >:D

Oh highkey same Alix?? except for me it’s not superpowers or anything it’s just called “anxiety disorder”

The obliviousness physically pains me

I’m the guard who just blatantly lets Alix steal popcorn. also why was there just casually popcorn there. god I don’t even know what I was thinking when I wrote any of this

Oh yeah I remember!! I was mad at people setting off the smoke alarm while making popcorn in the middle of the night!! just uni things am I right

...why am I noticing now that the whole popcorn thing is just a metaphor for Kim’s entire love life I am going to throw this fic out of the window I swear

IT REALLY IS, UGH I HATE THIS, ARE YOU TELLING ME I DID THAT BY ACCIDENT

this is a freaking game of Civilization where one civ takes a runaway lead in the science victory while the rest are all still stuck in the industrial era

Kim is me watching dinosaur movies too tbh, dinosaurs are so frickin rad

well this is depressing

and adorable

I hate so much that I know what the Bad Dream means I hate it I hate it I h

IT’S OKAY KIM I’M PROUD OF YOU, YOU’RE MY SON AND I LOVE YOU SO MUCH

“It’s not up to you to question why people care about you so just roll with it” damn past me, that’s actually some really good advice???

Alix is a Kimax shipper even this early in the fic, btw. whenever she talks to them about each other she’ll always say stuff like “oh yeah you two are so close” or “he cares about you so much” without specifying whether she means that platonically... my dudes... she’s shipping it

Kim having an existential crisis in early hours of the morning is such a mood because it’s 2am and I’m having one right now

BAD FORESHADOWING, YES BAD THINGS ARE GOING TO START HAPPENING SOON LIKE ASSASSINATIONS AND STUFF, YOU WEREN’T WRONG

Alright chapter 22 now

the carriage guards!! my favourite characters in the entire fic!!!!!! they’re the BEST okay they just casually chill at school through the entire thing and only show up again in the last chapter omg they’re so amazing I love them??? absolute LEDGES

Kim’s parents being all like “yeah if our son doesn’t wanna come home from school then just KIDNAP HIM and bring him back lmao”

“Hey, do you want me to threaten your guards with my snake or something?” WAS THAT FORESHADOWING??? BECAUSE SHE VERY MUCH DOES DO THAT LATER. TO DIFFERENT GUARDS YES BUT IT’S LEGIT A THING SHE DOES

talking on the phone is stressful? yes it’s that good old “anxiety disorder” again, really a pain tbh

god I’m so proud of Kim, already that good good character development

also Kim’s grandma is me

omg I have to put Kim and Alix’s dumb chess games in the sequel, I came up with an entire thing about how they blatantly cheat etc and it’s ridiculous and Max gets a headache whenever he has to “referee” (aka make sure they don’t fight), it’s so great okay

me: *thinks about chapter 34 and throws up*

oh I’m the snake too btw. the snake also will hate chapter 34

Max holy moly repressing your feelings isn’t healthy??? stop that

hhhhhhh chapter Lila now, like literally that’s the entire chapter 23, it’s basically just Lila

this is just the damn Volpina episode

dupainchien!!!!! dupainchien!!!!!!!!!

I know this isn’t even that much of a big deal in this fic but like... can Marinette and Adrien just get together already lmao

hskdjhdkjfhgs for the record Lila and Kim is actually a pretty good ship?? but they’d both try to out-brag each other and it would be ridiculous so uh

hm anyways. time for CHAPTER AROACE

Kim’s like. ABOUT TO start falling for Max oh thank god, I need this

Lila: *just stabs Kim’s homework with a parasol*

Kim just... Did That??? WE STAN

(oh and later note: in this he just treats Lila like how Adrien treated her in Chameleon lol)

I remember at this point I wasn’t sure if Lila would actually really return in the fic, and then literally like 2 chapters later I brought her back already because damn that girl needs a redemption arc

do I hug Kim or do I hug Max?? you FOOLS, you ABSOLUTE BUFFOONS, I am going to hug ALIX for having to deal with all their romo bullshit

Max trying to get drunk on orange juice is the mood

JULEKA’S MAGICAL GAYDAR!!!!!!! YES!!!!!!!!!

(also Juleka is absolutely wearing a Reflekta dress)

Juleka, outright: “Max. my dude. alix is aroace you dense idiot. you are all idiots. you absolute fuckwits.”

I’m still the snake btw

hhhhhhhhhh I wanna make a daisy chain now, or just go outside and sprawl in some grass, I can’t because it’s 2.30am and I live in the city and it’s winter, screw this fic for making me miss my school days

oh no I’m having an allergic reaction again

I mEAN IT’S CUTE THO, IT’S CUTE, BUT I KNOW WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN A BIT LATER SO THIS IS JUST PAINFUL

“You need more sleep” me calling myself out

I am going to hit Kim over the head,,

STOP BEING WEIRD JUST TELL HER YOU LIKE HER?? GOOD GOD I DON’T EVEN SHIP IT AND I STILL WANT YOU TO GET A BLOODY MOVE ON

oh good, he wants to smack himself in the face too

no nonono no Alix I think you are cute too. but you see, I mean it in the adopting way. but you ARE objectively adorable (source: the Reverser episode and also like all the other episodes) people just don’t say it in this au because of your TERRIFYING PET SNAKE

she offered to give him a telephone... lov that foreshadowing

*unimpressed* “are you in love with me?” OH FUCKING FINALLY

skdfhskdjfhsd avoiding people and having a heart attack when someone knocks on your door? I see the return of that anxiety disorder eh

Alix didn’t bring the snake (me) with her on purpose bc she knows Kim is still a bit scared of it at this point and doesn’t want him to be in a bad mood while she’s crushing his heart and soul

GOD YES I LOVE THIS SCENE

I hate myself because when I was writing this I was thinking “oh mood?? oh mood worm same hat???” and yet still. didn’t. realize. I’m. aro. *le sigh*

I’m gonna cry this is so sweet

“So are bossy, intimidating, hot girls your type?” no actually because Ondine is neither bossy nor intimidating (tho yeah she is hot) (and not particularly relevant in this fic unfortunately)

Alix is not in fact as oblivious as she claims to be btw, she just thinks it would sound mean to say “oh yeah I guessed you had a thing for me but I aggressively ignored it bc it annoyed me since I’m aroace lmao”

I’m genuinely going to hecking cry omg I remember now why this was my Ultimate Brotp for so long ugh it’s so good, @ ZAG LET KIM AND ALIX BE FRIENDS

I’m laughing?? so hard??? at the fact that their height difference is so ridiculous that literally like he has to kneel down??? god this is the funniest thing

oh also btw she was internally debating with herself like “should I give him the mistletoe kiss?? sounds gross but I feel so bad for him dammit” and decided to right there on the spot because she was lowkey curious anyway, which I’ll be honest is still an aro mood

OMG I’M ACCIDENTALLY SUCH A GENIUS OMG LISTEN NO LEMME EXPLAIN

SO LIKE. there are two (2) instances in this fic where I tried to pretend to be funny by dropping in the word “heartrate”. one is near the beginning, and the other is right here

in other words, the exact start and end points of Kim’s crush on Alix?? AND I DID THAT BY ACCIDENT OMG I’VE CHANGED MY MIND I’M PROUD OF MYSELF NOW

oh... oh no. uh oh. the dreaded evil Chapter Twenty Hecking Five

it’s called “Pain” for a reason. also my OG nickname for it was “Death”. also for a reason.

I even listened to Death Valley (the FOB song) on repeat while writing it (along with the next like 9 chapters lol) because the word DEATH just seemed so accurate

no really this is THE real turning point in the fic, where it stops being just a dumb teen movie and starts being all A N G S T Y

like this is the first chapter that has NO lightheartedness AT ALL

okay. here we go

this is all??? foreshadowing??? for dumb chapters like 30 and 34??? I Hate

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO THE SNAKE

I’M HAVING A HEART ATTACK JUST READING THESE WORDS THIS IS SO HORRIFYING ALEXA PLAY DEATH VALLEY

this is the equivalent of seeing a kwami die, for the record. like I know kwamis can’t die but THIS IS HOW IT WOULD FEEL

god this is even worse in hindsight knowing what happens later, bc poor Alix is all like @ herself “oh well it’s a nightmare so it’s not real” and I’m just like... oh dear. honey. sweetie. welp. I mean on the bright side you’re psychic so that’s kinda cool right

I love how Jalil is actually really sweet and a genuinely cool brother, you just never get to see it when Kim’s around bc he hates Kim lmao (I mean for good reasons..)

“I can’t live without this snake!” I MEAN YOU’RE NOT WRONG

these timeline powers are SO cursed man. why was I so evil and cruel holy actual shit

(the whole “some character deaths but not really” tag refers to all this clusterfuck btw)

okay it’s funny how this bit with Adrien is the Collector episode despite it not having aired yet when I wrote this, I guess I’m psychic too

Nathalie being sympathetic huh? not so much in the sequel when I get round to it...

Adrikins being all “I DEMAND TO SPEAK TO THE MANAGER” I’m dying

uh yeah there’s a difference between being grounded, and like, literal actual house arrest

damn... capitalism really is bad

so is imperialism

fix this damn typo thing where I used the word “soon” twice in one sentence like was that really necessary

DUPAINCHIEN

I love how Kim is so obviously bi that even Marinette notices and straight-up tries to set him up with a hot commoner boy

oh noes here comes The Death

Hi Aish Snekwami, I am afraid

god imagine how horrible it must be??? to have something traumatic happen in another timeline but you’re still aware of it in this one so you still suffer the effects even though nothing bad happened in this timeline????

Max shows up for two seconds this chapter to remind everyone that I have an anxiety disorder again and then hecks off, good for him

HOLY FUCK?!?!?! IMAGINE LITERALLY DYING ACTUAL DEATH IN ANOTHER TIMELINE AND EVEN THOUGH YOU SURVIVE IN THIS ONE YOU STILL HAVE TO LIKE. FEEL THE WHOLE TIME YOU’RE DYING OF GODDAMN COBRA VENOM HOLY FUCK WHY DID I MAKE THIS SO ANGSTY

I mean I think I remember writing this when I was on a very heavy painful period which full-on incapacitated me but like even that’s nowhere near as bad as fucking. snake. bite (ye I did some research, it was creepy...)

man this is so evil... I can’t

THIS IS HOW IT FEELS TO DIE

god that’s so haunting ughhhhhhhhh

honestly whenever I stub my toe etc I always think to myself “is this karma for that time I lowkey killed Alix off in chapter 25?” and yeah, it probably is

OKAY THAT’S ENOUGH FOR NOW

[tessxscott]

Ohmygoodness people. Just, ohmygoodness. Tonight was my show and my meet and greet and it was SO GOOD

I was so so nervous leading up to this about not making the most of the moment, and not really enjoying it and like, BEING there. And there were definitely moments in the show when I could have been more present but like...okay let me start over.

We got there, and because I had a bit of a strugg getting my meet and greet tickets, i was worried that there was going to be an issue with the tickets, but ALL WAS GOOD and we were there and in our seats on time (so no repeat of the stupid ACC), and I was just BEAMING the whole time, and like dancing in my seat and talking a mile a minute, and was just so fucking happy, i can’t even tell you. The show itself was so, so fun and gorgeous, and i got emotional on more than one occasion. I tried real hard to avoid spoilers as much as possible so that i could just enjoy the show for what it was and i’m really glad i did. Like Weapo’s first performance was absolutely WOW and one of my faves of the whole thing for sure and Meaghan and Eric made me emotional and CHIDDY skated PHANTOM and Chels and I were jamming. Seeing Moulin Rouge live will never not be absolutely incredible, I sang like the whole time and just died and felt like crying. Their beautiful group number that was a tribute back to Canada for sure made me solidly emotional before intermission lol. I was also obsessed with the videos talking about skaters before they came on, and absolutely loved how everyone talked about Chiddy and also those tiny kids who talked about Meagan and Eric was a lot for my soul.

And then the second half was just a friggen JAM. The flash mob was so so fun (even though everyone around me was being a stick in the mud), and ohmygod guys. the dance off. I can’t even. before i go into thirst mode. Meagan hosting was SO FUN and I was laughing and giggling and constantly saying “I love her so much” the whole time. as for thirst mode. the dance off was everything my bi heart needed like OHMYGOD those costumes??? I??? that was not family friendly here people??? And the girls won by a landslide because DAMN LADIES UHHHH. Yeah. that, in combination with Tessa and Scott’s dance off ice (which, also, OHMYGOD that was so good and fun and WOW) prompted me to lean over to my friend and say “yeah, you know how i used to say Tessa is the hottest woman alive? Still true.” Cause... UHHHHH... that STRUT and just that OUTFIT and that DANCING. the woman.

ahem.

Eric’s piano also made me get misty because it was so gorgeous, and Diamonds was like... a lot for my heart. Their costumes were so pretty, and i was obsessed with the part where they were all just saying reassurances. I think that was my favourite number of the second act. Tessa also fell in the final number and it looked PAINFUL but she just laughed it off.

And then. The Meet and Greet.

Holy moly my dudes, I was so nervous. My poor friends. I was babbling and trying to figure out what was happening the whole time. We were some of the last people to actually get in because i needed to pee, but tbh i think it was good for me to wait and try to get some nerves out. While we were waiting to be let in, they walked by, and I think I missed Tessa, but we saw Scott, amd my heart legit stopped for a sec because it was like. SCOTT MOIR. IN ACTUAL HUMAN PERSON. That was like my “holy shit this is actually happening” moment.

 Meeting Elvis and Weapo and Meagan and Eric I was actually pretty frustrated with myself, because i really wanted to like, say more and hold a conversation, but I got so nervous and didn’t have enough planned and then felt rushed, so I didn’t say like, literally anything? but I had so much to say! because i have so much respect and admiration for these people. My friends and I did ask Andrew about him going to school at UW (he talked about maybe comign back to finish his degree!), and we told them (Weapo and Meagan and Eric) that we had all gone to UW and Meagan asked if we skated there and we all started laughing because we are terrible skaters. So. Yeah, annoyed with myself for not saying more there but I’m trying to just be chill and blow past it.

And then we were waiting in line for Chiddy and Kaetlyn and Tessa and Scott, and we were kinda annoyed that they did it how they did? because poor chiddy and kaetlyn were being real overlooked, damn. I also made friends with the people behind us in line because they had cool mugs for Tessa and Scott that the guy had made that had been carved on the bottom (apparently they loved the mugs). There was this shy kid who didn’t want to go interact, and Scott kept like teasing him, and Tessa was making faces at him, and it was so cute and hilarious. And also just so lovely to watch them interact with the fans and be so good and genuine. Scott was being his usual ham, and like, started a singing of happy birthday for someone, and was dancing and singing, and when the playlist ran out he was playing DJ (which was hilarious). This girl moon walked at one point and he fucking LOVED it and tried it himself, as did Chiddy (poor Chiddy and kaetlyn were just like amusing themselves half the time lol),

So when our turn came, Chels went first, and Scott told her to moon walk up, and she did and they all friggen loved it. and told them about this feminist TV show she’s trying to make happen, and they were all super into it, especially our lil feminist, Tess and I was so proud of Chels and how chill and casual she was.

AND THEN. it was my turn. Okay. Things are a bit of a blur bc i think i had an out of body experience lol. So Scott told me “okay, do any dance move, just any one” as i was walking to them, so I did like the disco finger point thing and they all laughed and were into it, and scott like, immediately started patting my shoulder a bunch for doing it, and kinda laughed with me, and then we took the photo and they started signing things, and Scott started talking to me about how I danced, because he is Scott and kind and tried to put me at ease (and Chiddy kept leaning in and listening all kindly, the sweet man), and I said I probably would not have if he had not asked, and then he apologized so i told him that i was happy I’d done it and he like, patted my shoulder again (WHAT A LOVELY AFFECTIONATE MAN OKAY). And then I moved into what I had kinda planned to say.

And I told them all that I loved watching them skate, and it was such a joy, especially knowing what they’d each overcome (and everyone’s kind eye contact?? was so?? good???) and then I kinda turned to Scott and Tessa, and said (loosely, like i said, i fuckin blacked out from nerves) “and Scott and Tessa, for you especially, I’ve had a bit of a year, and watching your skating is just such a nice escape, and to know how far you’ve come and how driven you are...” and i might have said more?? but then Scott started leaning into hug me and I don’t even KNOW what was happening i just knew i needed to hug that man. Great hugger by the way. And then Tessa went to hug me?????? I??? AM DEAD. And JUST. they both were so kind, and intent, and really listening. And I think i might have said more words but i don’t really remember. most of them were the words thank you, for the show and just everything, and they thanked ME and both told me they hoped it would get better. And Scott kept making this like, incredibly intense eye contact like he was trying to eye-contact my sadness away. and it was just. so good. I was shaking for a hundred years after.

And then Becca went, and asked tessa “so how’s that degree coming?” and tessa got all wide eyed and kinda panicky and was like “it’s been a rough couple of years” and then they laughed about it and Becca told them she was studying water so they made jokes about how they knew nothing about water except frozen water. And Scott was like desperately trying to come up with like science facts haha.

And then we gawked at costumes and left. And it was just. So good. I am so happy. They are just such genuinely good people. They say don’t meet your idols, but i had no worries going into it about Scott and Tessa (and honestly the whole gang) not being the kind people i hoped and expected for. Like they lved up to everything we think and hope they are. And I just. Am so grateful that people like them exist in the world my dudes. Grateful I have people like them to look up to. Grateful for this experience.

And this has been... a massive post. Photos to come tomorrow or the day after.

[icharchivist]

Okay this start to seriously annoy me (as in angering me, not “making me spiral down out of controle” (edit; okay maybe a little but hi that’s me from the future and i’m doing fine, i’m just annoyed but no breakdown there, not really)) so bear with me, but also, tw: s/uicidal & selfh/arm mention and stuff like that. I’m super annoyed at my mom. (also generally it’s in general for all my #ichapersonal posts but pls d/on’t r/eblog especially not this one bc i’m just. so. damn annoyed.)

Also it’s really just ranting because i really need to let it out this is seriously weighing at this point I just need to rant it out;

(also it’s a long post so if you’re on mobile and the readmore didn’t work and you want to avoid it go quickly blacklist either my tag or #longpostforts, it’ll hide the post for your dash)

My mom has this tendencies to always bitch about “kids who says “I’ve never asked to be born””. She had been bitching about it for as long as I can remember bc if i recall, my elder sister (yknow the one who ended up running away from home, never to be seen again for what, 17 years now (17 years?? holy fuck how time flies)(also i’m starting to really feel like she made the right decision at this point)) actually told her that at some point while they fought.

bc my mom believes children should be grateful of life given, that “life is a gift”.

So regularly she goes on rants about how “kids who says “they never wanted to be born” are so ungrateful, life is a gift, you should be grateful to your parents, to me” (she singles herself out everytime) “for how much time and effort we take to raise you, we give you a chance in this world how can you be ungrateful and say you never wanted it”, and stuff like that.

You’d think that after having me spelling her out that i’ve been s/uicidal since i’m 13 she would change her fucking reasoning but nooooo

This is so unnerving. I’ve heard all my life that kids thinking birth is a curse or w/e are ungrateful toward their parents but is she seriously the fuck hearing herself??? It’s not about the fucking parents, if a child tells you that, be concerned about what it means of their suffering, not about what it means for the parents, you apathic selfish person.

My whole life had been a struggle i would have gladly spared myself with thank you very much.”life is a gift” so were the multiple trials I had to manage as a teenager because both of my parents were unable to manage their fucking divorce? I’m sorry what about my life is a gift to me? As far as I know I’ve been the emotional backbone of this freaking family for years and had been there for all of my mother’s breakdowns, but I’ve never had that back. I was the gift to at least try to soften the blows, but it wasn’t a gift for me that’s for sure.  Life sure wasn’t a gift when I first told my mom i was s/uicidal  and had s/elf harmed and that the only thing she told me was “look I have more important things to deal with okay” (see, the kind of petty things i still remember and I’ve yet to have a proper apology about because “nooo but Chloé I wasn’t doing okay you can understand” hA. Jokes on you I had YOUR CONCERNS, MY FATHER’s and MY OWN and back then I was getting out of an ab/usive relationship with my ex and the fact i just lost most of my friends at once while i was trying to manage how the fuck I could at least ease the issues between my parents and with my ex’s jealousy & aftermath, also my own mom’s h.omophobia when i was trying to bring up that aspect was sure helpful, also freaking important exams coming, and also remember it was when you completely fucked up your relationship with my other sister that I also had to manage, “i wasn’t doing okay” neither did i but i’ve never shut you down that I know of.)

Or at least it wasn’t for me, since then my mom ran to tell my dad to say “see our daughter is s/uicidal because of you!” (no??? I didn’t say that??? even if it was true I didn’t??) and since then had my dad using it against me on official paper (you never know true love until your dad try to tell a judge that “because of the de/ression given by your mom” you were “untrustworthy” and that therefore he shouldn’t give you any money and that you learn that upon reading the judgement’s request) and making s.uicide jokes in front of me about me to people i don’t know (which!! he did!! right before I cut ties with him! in front of clients of him!! seriously why do i have those fucking parents.) But hey i’m sure it was a good “gift” for my mom to have something to guilttrip my dad with for ONE trial which turned against her considering how he used it. WHAT A GIFT.

GUH this is something I hate, I have a lot of wounds like that that I don’t even care about anymore (or at least don’t think about because no one can change the past and it’s something to live with) and our relationship has evolved past this point, but then she says this kind of things and all that bitterness comes back full blown. 

We’ve discussed about it.  I told her. I had to hammer it down multiple times (HA. And even there how much of those conversations ended up being “it’s because of your father/your abandon issues about your sister? Because me too you know, this is hard for me too here’s how it affects me and let’s not talk about your self destructive tendencies” wow thanks mom) How can she so carelessly throw this kind of things. We’ve discussed about it more than once for fuck’s sake. And she throws it in front of my step dad, the one person we can’t talk about mental health with because the guy always have a mean comment to make about it and doesn’t believe in d/epression this family is a fucking joke.

“Kids saying “i’ve never asked to be born” are ungrateful, life is a gift that i gave you” fuuuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.

I don’t even know why she said that out loud, I was just walking from the living to my room and I have no idea of the context, but I legit just snapped at her telling her to fucking stop with that and she tried to defend myself like “do you know how hurtful it is to hear from a kid that they never asked to be born” you don’t say, do you know how hurtful it is to hear from your own parents that your self destructive tendencies due to how much said parents put you through are “not important”? 

Ya know what’s even funnier -because my parents told me about that- Apparently they wanted me so much when I wasn’t born yet that they almost tried to do a fertility boost while i was already a featus and it would have killed the featus to do it and it’s just last minute that they realized “wait there’s already a baby inside” - good for my parents, lost my chance it seems. (also fun fact since I was born strangled by the cordon thingy, it’s like i was too stubborn to die what a moron @ me).  AND, WHAT MY PARENTS DECIDED TO TELL ME, freaking beautiful really, is that when they did the echography to see what my birthgender was, my father was so dissappointed over hearing I was a girl (and that therefore i’ll be the 3rd girl of the family) that he left my mom who was pregnant with me at the hospital. He actually took the car and drove back home, home that was 30 mins away from the hospital in car, and he left my mom alone at the hospital. She had to call her best friend to bring her back home. My father blamed my mom because ofc he has the genetic understanding of Henry VIII.

as a result i spent my entiere childhood feeling like i wasn’t wanted by my dad bc he told me all my life he would rather have had a boy and always made it feel like i wasn’t good enough, and my mom always priviligized my sisters (which may be a result of me being the younger one of the family, but then when I was 7 I had my elder sister (who was a/utistic so my mom was always overbearing with her before she left) running away from home and my other sister who right afterward almost died due to medical complication, having my mom overprotecting her especially that close to the departure of my other sister and she kept being overprotective afterward. That may have played a part. And i mean when we come to have convos where my mom ignores me completely unless i mention my sisters? And the fact she willingly admit that she “doesn’t want to force herself to care about things she doesn’t care about” while mentioning that she has more in common with my sister than I? Ya that doesn’t help the feeling. But ya know it’s just ~the youngest sibling feeling~ lmao) - Also my mom who l o ves to remind me that apparently I was an overdynamic child who was a nightmare to take care of because I was hyperactive, so she was always tired and loves to remind that it was hard for her to handle me, that sure didn’t play at all in making me feel unwanted. Especially when she’s unable to say anything about me that doesn’t come from the time i was “an unbearable hyperactive child who completely stopped her from wanting any more children” because of course this is the kind of things you say to a child and you make good care that you only ever talk about that and not anything else about said child even if the latest actual anecdote (that isn’t “actually blowing off because this family is hell” she never mentions those lmao) dates back from when said child was 9.

(also it adds to the whole “with all the time we took to raise you” what i was taught by my parents is that i was unadequate and would never be enough, thanks - all my morals i got them in fictions and online all i’ve learnt from my parents was a caucionary tale of what I should never become. Which is also something that annoys me when, the rare times my mom says she’s proud of me, she always adds “i’m so proud to have educated you this way” and it’s always, always on subject that i’ve learnt online or in fiction and regularly things I got mad at my mom for not knowing so ye fuck that. It’s too easy to just take other’s people achievement as your own and refuse to listen when they tell you to stop.)

lmao did i ever mention too, my previous therapist and i discussed a lot about my d/epression and while i personally pinpoint my 13yo as my breaking undeniable point (because when you are hurting yourself because the physical pain makes you forget the emotional pain, this is time to stop prentending nothing bad is happening), my therapist said i had symptoms already when I was 7yo but i was too young to recognize them and since it’s the year the brain usually have a huge development, i developped all the unhealthy coping mechanism - but she also mentioned that the fact my father went to abandon my mom at the hospital because of me, was probably at least a bad vibe that carried on all my life.

So ya!!! beautiful!!! I spent my whole life from the womb to feel unwanted, to the point i completely shut down and thrived upon people appreciating me, which put me as a target for being b/ullied so much i just ended up not get too emotionally invested in anyone and emotionally distant in general after too much fuck up from my part by trying to be loved, and which was so determined to please all my life that I tried to fix everyone’s miserable lives around me until my mental health gave up completely.

(and like don’t get me wrong - my parents made me feel unwanted all my life, i was b/ullied up until high school, i lost all the friends I had before high school because of the a/busive relationship i ended up winding up into, and it fucked me over. It truly did. But I don’t think i’m “unloveable” I think just that it doesn’t matter to try. My high school friends, who are the people i consider my best friends today, are the most precious thing that happened to me and I will never second guess how they care for me. I have wonderful friends all around the world, I don’t feel “unloveable”. But i do feel like not wanting to try. If people leave, I won’t care because eh that happens. Even if i know my friends are here for me, and that I will always want to be there for them and support them, I can’t bring myself to go to them unprompted when i feel bad - even if i know they don’t consider me a burden I was taught all my life my emotions were such anyway. Things that are hard to unlearn. But there’s no “no one loves me” or ignoring completely my qualities there. I consider it a miracle i’m this kind while i’m this bitter, that I care so much about things even if i know it’s coping mechanism, but that i can still get this enthusiast about things sometimes -  and honestly when I look back i recognize that i’m strong, even if i don’t consider myself strong enough considering how everything still goes wrong and I can’t go back on my feet no matter what, so much my own physical health is sending me SOS. But i’m not blind to the point of ignoring that it takes strength to get this far- i’m just so, so tired of having to be strong all the time and knowing if i let weakness in for one moment all hell breaks loose for me.) 

“Life is a gift it’s ungrateful to tell a parent you never wanted to be born” hi, i never asked to be born, you never made me feel like i had any reason to want to be alive except for what I could bring you and you only, i’ve never thought i’d live past 18 and was s/uicidal at a young age because i felt unwanted and felt like carrying everyone’s burden. Y’know, things we talked about multiple times. 

“ye but your elder sister made it associate to a trauma” well that’s a trauma for me as well thank you very much.

See, this is what actually sickens me with my parents. This sort of thin veiled sentences that somehow hit right in the nest of everything that once went wrong in my fucking life. This sort of little sentences that are even worse to me than actual insults because it disregard again everything we talked about. If i needed more proof (and i didn’t) that my parents never listen to me or care for my feelings outside of what it can bring them, this is a wonderful exemple.

I’m angry, i’m done, this family is a fucking mess, I’m tired. bye.